“A man was staring at her in the oral care aisle. A gorgeous, make-your-ovaries-shiver man.”
RaeAnne Thayne, The Cliff House
OK, I know that’s two lines, but one is a fragment, and it could just as easily be one if you changed the period to a comma. Either way, it’s just awful. A man who makes your ovaries shiver? Does that call for medical intervention? Oh, yes, there are gorgeous men. I’ve seen ‘em. Maybe, on a good day, more than one. But make your ovaries shiver? Further, if a man is staring at me in the oral care aisle, I’d probably beat feet out of there. After all, Ted Bundy was nice looking, too.
In the third line, we learn that “Daisy Davenport McClure” is the chick with the shivering ovaries. Precious. In my experience, introducing a female character this early on with all three names is inauspicious from a literary perspective. Then, in the very next line we’re hit with “discombobulated” and in the line after that “Dark, wavy-haired, green-eyed…”. “Uncle”, I cried and tapped out.
Ms. Thayne and all your satisfied readers, if I’ve done an injustice, I apologize. Perhaps The Cliff House is a tongue-in-cheek riot of a good read and my loss for not reading on. However, heartbeats are finite, and readers must decide early on where they want to spend theirs. I had to leave Daisy and that green-eyed man for others. Sorry.